Watch your Language, Human!

Dear Humans,

We all love you. By writing this we do not want to demean you. But there are times when you get onto our nerves…

For my safety and rather survival reasons its best that I keep my owners’ name and my name a secret.

For my human owners I just speak “dog” not “human”. But mind you I can speak ten different languages other than dog- there is cat, bomb, food (we don’t talk to food silly, but that’s our special food language when we communicate with my other counterparts), some two to three Human languages that I have picked up while my stay with my Human family and rest I won’t disclose them. Im under a secret keeping contract you see. We are allowed to talk Human only under special conditions.

So you think we just eat, sleep and poop all day and yes chew on those silly little rubber toys you have brought for us. I mean, really? You think we are in love with the toys? Let me bust some stupid misconceptions you have. We do not love rubber toys. No they aren’t tasty just because they smell or have a chicken flavoured perfume stuck to it. We just chew on it just so that you don’t feel bad that we aren’t accepting your gift.

Right since we popped out of our Mother Dog’s tummy we were under training. In your Human term it’s called “the high school”. So like all your human babies we just didn’t cry and sleep and puked and pooped. We were taught how to understand you humans, your thinking and your behaviour. How are we supposed to behave in front of Humans and how in front of other animals and how to get our work done and how still act dog and still do our regular Animal jobs.

I have a serious confession to make. My friends and I and I think all other dog friends find the so called “dog training lessons” lame! Sit, stay, roll, and shake hand. What are we robot dogs? There is definitely more to us than that. You should see us jive and shake the booty at our after-hours dog parties. That would put your salsa and hip hop to shame. I can very well do dog-fu something what you humans call Kun fu. But we dogs don’t end up doing it as we don’t like to show off and don’t want humans to feel all threatened.  

Now imagine how irritating it is for us when you talk to us in the baby language. Sometimes it’s nice. But that is just at some times when we need a bit of pampering. Will you talk to a Human adult in a coochie-coo language? And then you start inventing some new words and talk gibberish thinking it’s all cute. But it isn’t! Picture this im explaining to my co-ordinate a serious issue about how to abort the flea arrival area over my wireless phone (yes we too use our own mobile phones and you thought just humans were capable of inventing it, we don’t show off remember!) and my pretty big master in his early sixties calls out, “Where is my little smooshie pie?” Imagine my embarrassment! The other day I heard him calling out, “Now where is my little sweetie pie?” and I happily went in galloping to greet him and imagine my disappointment when I realized he was calling out to his wife!

You humans seriously need to alter the tone in your voice and be sure who would you like to answer your baby call your wife or your dog. Here is a tip, talk to us in a special voice. That wouldn’t confuse us. And talk to us like you would talk to your friend and not to a baby. You can talk to our little puppies like that. For us you can use your humble voice. We would like that.

You should thank us dogs for not being like cats. We hate them because we disapprove of their ideologies. I have never heard a cat being a human’s best friend. They are selfish and evil little creatures who just live to eat and sleep. You feed them milk and some fish and they would stick at your leg until you feed them that. The day you stop feeding them off they go to some other family! You should be grateful for not understanding cat language but I do and believe me they have awful things to talk about their masters. They crib like a bunch of sore oldies complaining of how cold or how hot the milk was served or how their bed wasn’t made and how a bit more of salt was required in the fish.

See it’s said that ‘dogs are humans’ best friends’ but being a best friend is a two way thing right? Are you, Human the best friend to your dog? We love going on long walks with you, we love snuggling up to you and sleeping in between your feet, we love it when you put your head on our backs and pretend to sleep. We love you even more when you make sure we get well soon when we are sick. We really do feel sorry for you when you hug us and bury your face into our back and sob. We aren’t allowed to talk Human but we really do feel sorry for you and feel like biting the person who made you cry real bad where it would hurt him the most!  

Some of my dog friends feel very sad for not being treated like family. They feel ignored rather than feeling loved. For all those Humans who are extra busy it would be nice if you could switch off the TV and talk to us instead after a long day at work. It would also be nice for a change if you could put aside your mobile phones and just come and sit beside us rather than talking to some person on the other side. Don’t forget we too switch off our phones when the humans are around! What I like more about small Human kids is they tend to understand us dogs much better than you adults do. It’s nice of them to read out a story to us, to share their food with us, to kiss and hug us. It’s really nice to have Humans who treat us like their family rather than bickering over whose turn is it to take us for a walk or rather than hiring some dog walker.

We want you to be there to see us grow. We don’t need a huge house or expensive parlour treatments just to pamper us. We just need a little bit more of your time and attention and a little bit more of your love. See you never know one day we might just talk to you in Human. So just stay with us :)